8 Oct, 2007
I am no different from a non-believing beggar on the street. I doubted, I drank, and I was confused all the same. My heart never changed but it just opened up to what is real. My heart opened up to the truth of the Lord. I am no better than a person who hates the world. My scars are not on a larger scale than a person who inflicts wounds upon themselves. I am only here because two people came together in an act just like two people came together to make you. I have found myself sitting on the bus and hearing lyrics that made me want to cry the 2/3 of my body out, which is water. If that makes me vulnerable, then I will step up and take my crown. Who am I? I am a person that has changed more than you will ever know. My hair color has gone from one spectrum to the next. I have been clothed with clothes of different fabrics and forms. There may be some people that feel anger muttering my name and I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not stay the same person that they loved. I am sorry I do not identify myself with my past mistakes.I grew up a few years going to Sunday School. I was not baptized anything for 365 days multiplied by another number. I went to Churches of more denominations than I can name. I remember the incense in my grandmother's Roman Catholic Church. I remember getting baptized there. I loved Jesus and believed he died for me. I went to a Christian school and I still do .Then, my life started changing. Things starting going wrong and I did not know where to look. I did not want to speak because I was too afraid to even say a word to the people that were close to me. I have too many memories of crying under the lights in my room. Turning the shower on and crying on the bathroom floor. Asking for answers in all the wrong places. Everything seemingly turned black and I thought to myself that God did not care about me. I went from attending Church every weekend to not going at all. I went from praying each night to refusing to pray. I went from being so sure of the world around me to doubting the fibers of my being. I started high school and called myself agnostic although I was still confused all the same. It did not seem to matter because I felt that if I was wrong then I would one day realize it. I thought that if God was real and a relationship was possible then He would find me. My faith fell into the hands of Judaism less than a year ago. Everything seemed to become right in that. I planned on converting officially once I turned 18 in a synagogue in Philadelphia. I thought I had found the answers to all my questions. Months passed and I started feeling a doubt rising up all over again. Things started changing and I found myself buying a new bible and kneeling in front of my bed. Tears endlessly pouring out of my eyes, once again. I found myself surrendering all my doubts and questions to Jesus Christ. I admitted to doubting. I admitted to not being sure of what was really right. I did not know what would come of this prayer but I hoped for the best. After all the tears I found my humble prayers being answered .All my ribs broke at once to release my heart from its captivity. The happiness of a person that is saved. Things at that very moment became clearer than anything. The fog had indefinitely passed. The glass wall shattered. At that moment, I realized things all at once. God was always by my side, silently and patiently waiting. Standing in front of me with open arms. When I came running back to Him, He accepted my flawed being and made me right. I felt as if my heart had been opened up for all to see and I had absolutely no shame. What about now? Jesus Christ did die to wash away my sins. Jesus IS my Lord and Savior. Jesus existed .God never gives up hope and everything that He entails is love. What changed, Why did this come to be? One person hanging on the brink of death brought back the life to my face. One person's horror story made us both free. A single breath of air and rush of heartbeat cleaned my slate and changed my life. I realize that God put this person in my life because redemption is possible. After experiences that would happen in a lifetime to a person, that happened in three months I know that all of the changing that has gone on in my life was for a purpose. I know that I was doing what God planned for me. The friendship and love I have for this person will never falter. She has called me her guardian angel but I am only a friend. I remember sitting up one night, while things were going more and more downhill. Her laying down numb, me sitting up flipping through Psalms. I read over twenty verses out loud. I told her that she changed my life and that I will always be by her side. She asked me if Jesus would forgive her for all that she had done. I told her that if she was sincere and wanted to be saved then anything is possible. I told her that God is with her, by her side. I told her that He has open arms. She told me she wanted to change but she did not know where to start and I told her that I would help her along the road. I told her that the friendship I give her is the friendship that Christ would give to anyone. I am living my life as a Christian. I try to share the love of Christ through my every action. There IS hope for those feeling hopeless and it is Jesus. I am not a bible pusher or a holy roller. I am flawed. I do not go to church everyday. I do not pray every hour. I do not have the bible memorized. My faith is growing more and more each day and it will never stop. So, who am I? I am a person that has found their way. Everything has a meaning. Each breath has a purpose. Without a singular doubt, there is hope for the hopeless.